


Kalopsia

by Umbry2000



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Childhood Friends, F/M, Grammarly? Please help me, Immortality, Mentioned suicide, Promises, STILL struggling with tense, Summaries are hard :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28029351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umbry2000/pseuds/Umbry2000
Summary: kalopsia1. The delusion of things being more beautiful than they are.Faced with the one truth she couldn't accept, she ran. And she spent the rest of her days believing in a fantasy until it shattered before her eyes. For nothing was more beautiful than the truth.
Relationships: Colette Brunel/Lloyd Irving
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Kalopsia

**Author's Note:**

> This was written days after watching Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms, and is inspired by it. You can listen to its theme song, [viator](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLnUpHa8n1k%20rel=).
> 
> I honestly don't know if the Major Character Death tag actually applies, but better safe than sorry I guess?

The memories would come to Colette unbidden, at her most unguarded moments when she was unable to fend against them. Clear as day, even after all this time.

How many years had it been, anyway? Colette pondered. That knowledge had escaped even herself, who had long since stopped keeping track. 

As Colette trudged through the sands of the Triet Desert, she noted all the tiny changes. Some landmarks, mainly rocks, had disappeared throughout the years, while some new ones had popped up.

But it’s still “just a lot of sand”, as Lloyd used to love to say.

Colette flinched when that memory surfaced, quickly pushing it to the side of her mind.

It’s… far too painful. To linger on that she had left behind. 

The desert hadn’t changed, much like herself. Colette sported only surface changes, face and stature otherwise untouched by the sands of time. Her hair was short now, and she no longer wore the white robes that used to mark her as Chosen. Both because they were too recognizable, and… 

She lost the right to be that Colette, long ago. She can no longer reclaim that now.

Colette shouldered her backpack and continued trekking, forcefully ignoring memories of another journey through this very same desert. The sun was hovering just above the horizon, sending patches of orange-red across the sand. It was a sign that she needed to hurry if she would like to reach Triet before sundown.

It was childish, and perhaps Colette no longer deserved the right to act that way, but she was still not a fan of the dark.

* * *

How many years had it been? Colette wondered, sitting in one of the dark corners of a bar and pushing her drink around the table. It was a dangerous question to ask, but one that she kept returning to on quiet nights like these. 

Ha, imagine if Professor Raine could see her now. Drinking.

How old were her friends now…? How were they doing, without her?

No, she thought, pushing that errant thought away. She had to remember what she always told herself. 

To recall the truth was deadly. It was easier to forget and to believe that they were fine.

Of course, they were fine. They were better off without her, honestly. 

At the bar, she had just shrugged and asked for their strongest drink. The bartender hadn’t looked willing to serve her, given how young she looked, but he’d shut up once she’d thrown her gald at him. Gald tended to solve most problems. She sipped from her drink, observing the people filing in and out. Some of them wore large, loopy grins as they drowned their lives in countless drink, while others were weeping openly but silently. 

Lloyd had used to tease her on her people watching, hadn’t he?

Faced with that reminder, Colette downed her entire drink in one go. She knew it was no use. Angels couldn’t get drunk. She couldn’t “drown her sorrows” like everyone else here.

She was cursed to remember, always.

The burden of an Angel, something Colette thought she’d understood, back then. First, as the naïve Chosen who had thought the only price would be her life. Who had cried silently at night and reassured her friends that she was fine. Who had cheerfully giggled and said her wings were beautiful. Then as a girl who’d wanted to protect her friends, who thought that maybe this power might not be so bad. Who had said that she was glad to be an Angel, and who had believed a boy who’d told her she was still herself.

How little she’d understood.

As Colette left the bar, passing those vomiting into the drains and those so drunk they’ve passed out on the floor; she wondered what sorrow they could have possibly seen in their short little lives to decide to waste it here.

In the past, maybe she would have stopped. Asked them about their troubles, tried to help them.

Now, Colette was too tired. Of seeing those she helped fall back into shadow and darkness. It was like humans could never escape.

How many times had it happened?

She pushed her hood up over her face and disappeared into the night, knowing that once again there’ll be no trace that she was ever here. She had left no imprint on the lives of the people here, and she would be briefly remembered as a ghost that had passed through. Just how she wanted it.

Silently, she envied that at least their lives would end.

* * *

Colette had no one left to talk to: to share her journey with, to celebrate any joy she felt, to cry over her sorrows. She relinquished the right to talk to any of those she had called friends when she’d left.

She could still remember, with perfect clarity, the night she’d left. 

She’d hesitated at the bedside, watching Lloyd sleep, peaceful and happy. Knowing she would break his heart by choosing to leave. Choosing to do so anyway.

She’d told herself it was for the best, that it wasn’t for herself, but Lloyd. That it would be better if he wasn’t stuck with her, someone who would never age, who would never have children. He deserved better.  
Colette had always known that this was a lie. Lloyd had proven time and time again, that he would never stop loving her. He hadn’t given her up for anything, certainly not over this. 

It had always been for herself.

Because Colette could also remember, vividly, the sorrow in the gazes of all the Angels she’d known. Starkly different as Mithos, Yuan and Kratos, had been, they’d all shared a single thing. A deep-seated sadness, visible in their eyes, at watching the world change around them.

It hadn’t registered. Not until Lloyd had started growing older, growing taller, while she remained unchanged, had she realised - 

She would have to see him die, one day, powerless to stop it. She couldn’t follow him beyond, as it wouldn’t have been his wish. She would have to live in a world without him. 

It was the one truth Colette could never accept. Better, then, to live apart from Lloyd and believe in the delusion that nothing had changed. Her friends would never let her, of course. 

And so she’d run in the middle of the night, leaving no trace behind. She’d learned, and adapted, and kept in the shadows, knowing that they would look for her. They were all good friends, but she couldn’t let them find her. 

When had they given up? Colette wondered, sitting under the shade of the Linkite Tree. Even though she’d wanted, with all her heart, for them to give up, it had still hurt.

Colette had seen some of them, in the time after. Always from far away, because she would never dare approach. The moment she left had been the moment she’d lost all right to call any of them friends.

She’d lost count of the years after that as they all began to meld together. Colette would settle down briefly in a new town and then leave before anyone realized she wasn’t ageing. Before she had to see someone else die. She had never returned to the same town again. The memory of her had yet to fade, after all. 

People hardly remembered the Chosen anymore. It was a piece of history, a story told by those who could still recall.

She didn’t want to contemplate what that meant about how long she’d been away.

The only one who had ever sought her out successfully had been Zelos, who hadn’t changed at all. Another Chosen, another Angel, someone else who could understand her pain. Who had understood far too well.

Colette had felt genuine joy for the first time in a long time, her heart beating fast in her chest like a hummingbird that had taken flight. Finally, someone she could talk to! 

That joy had simmered away quickly. Now, she once again had no one to talk to. 

Another memory she couldn’t forget. A night 20 years ago; the moonlight illuminating his blue eyes, filled with the same pain she saw every time she looked in a mirror. 

Eerily familiar.

The uttered pleas; a shortsword once gifted by a beloved sister, gripped in her hands.

The muttered thanks; the shattering of the Cruxis Crystal, sounding like wind chimes. Just like Mithos’ Crystal had shattered, decades ago.

Did the grief, the pain, ever go away? She didn’t know. She had no one else to ask anymore, after all.

She couldn’t even do what Zelos had done. She’d promised, after all.

She’d promised that she would live.

* * *

It’s another day of aimless wandering when something finally changed in Colette’s monotone routine.

It’s a new town, one she’d never visited before. Colette was seated on one of the benches, enjoying the feeling of the breeze on her skin, when a voice echoed behind her. One that she remembered, from sleepless nights where she had counted the stars.

“But… how?” She whispered as she turns to face Kratos. “How are you… here?”

“Colette.” Kratos inclined his head, as taciturn as ever. “I returned a few years ago.”

Colette wanted, desperately, to ask. Have you been back to Iselia? Have you seen… The question is on the tip of her tongue, but she held it back, realizing that she couldn’t bear to hear the answer.

When Rodyle had taunted her as sinful for failing to serve her duty as Chosen, he’d been right. Colette was a coward. It was so much easier to stay away, forever, remembering those happy days in her past and pretending that no time had passed at all.

That nothing had changed at all. It was a beautiful illusion she didn’t want to shatter.

“It’s… good to see you,” Colette said, trying her best to smile like she used to.

Colette knew he could see right through her. Kratos used to, and it’s been so many years since she smiled at all.

“Colette… Don’t you think it’s time to go home?” He said, as impassive as he’d always been, and her breath caught in her throat.

She wanted to argue. Wanted to scream, even, like she was never allowed to. That she was never going to return to Iselia because it would remind her of everything that had changed, broken too far to repair.

But Colette could hear the undertone of sorrow in his voice, and she inexplicably understood.

This truly was the last chance. Kratos wasn’t going to force her, and he wasn’t going to try again. This would be her final chance to reclaim even a semblance of her old self, to be the old Colette again. Or she could return to wandering Aselia, forever and ever until the world broke apart. And no matter how fleeting of a moment it would be, she craved it.

No matter how much she might regret it in the end, she wanted… 

She wanted to see him again, even if he’d moved on. Just one last time.

* * *

It was like old times, in a way. Making travel with an actual companion, instead of alone as she’d been for the longest time.

But it was much faster this time. After all, both of them could fly.  
Colette had forgotten how much fun it was to fly. Her wings had remained hidden in her back for so long; a sign of the curse she had to carry and something she had come to hate. She regretted that, sometimes, remembering how Lloyd had said they were pretty.

She’d forgotten how to have fun at all.

They reached Iselia within two short days, a mostly silent journey. Colette didn’t mind. She’d come to enjoy the silence as well, and she was glad Kratos was there, at least.

But the journey wasn’t long enough. It would never be long enough.

Colette hesitated outside of the town entrance, realizing she no longer recognized the buildings anymore. 

Did Colette have the will to enter? Enter and realise that she had become a stranger to her beloved hometown, that all the illusions she’d built up had been nothing more than delusions after all?

Colette’s thoughts are interrupted by laughter as a teenage boy ran past her, brown hair waving in the wind. Her mind went blank, and she chased after him immediately, remembering another time when she could laugh innocently.

Colette caught up to the boy in the town square, which had changed past recognition, about to call out his name –

The boy turned, and Colette was met with a pair of light green eyes and a different face. She stopped, her heart seeming to shatter all at once.

It’s not Lloyd.

The boy was staring at her with wide eyes. Colette must have looked really strange, a stranger chasing after him.

“I’m sorry,” she said, hoping she hadn’t scared him. “You looked like someone I used to know – “

The boy gasped, hand flying over his mouth. “It – It is you!”

Colette mind blanked as she stared at him, registering in the back of her mind that Kratos had come up behind her. How does this boy know her…? She’s never come anywhere close to Iselia since she left.

“You did it!” The boy cheered, running towards Kratos and hugging him.

Colette has never been more shocked in her life. No one has ever acted this close to Kratos, other than…

Colette was starting to connect the dots, and she doesn’t know if she wanted to.

“Yes, Will, we did,” Kratos said fondly, ruffling his hair. “Now, you know what to do, don’t you?”

“Yep!” Will ran back over to her, smile bright and reminding her of Lloyd so much it hurts. “Miss Colette, you can come with me!”

Colette looked back to Kratos, and he smiled slightly and inclined his head. She turned back to the expectant boy in front of her, and swallowing her fear, she smiled.

It’s more genuine than before.

“Lead the way, Will.”

* * *

The fear only continued to build in her heart as Will led her down a familiar forest path. One that had changed slightly, but like the desert and like her, had hardly changed.

Colette had to stop her tears when they emerged from the forest path to find Dirk’s house, looking the same as it used to be.

Colette had feared that things had changed too much, but…

Some things had stayed the same. And somehow, that hurt as well.

Will went up to the door and knocked like it was the easiest thing in the world. Meanwhile, Colette had to control her breathing and force herself to walk up beside him instead of turning tail and running away. 

So, Will really was… 

The door opened, and Colette was faced with a woman: one with brown hair a shade lighter than Lloyd’s, but with the same green eyes that peered at Colette from her son’s face.

The woman’s eyes widened and then softened as she smiled at Colette. It was a kindness that Colette did not deserve.

“You must be Colette. I’m Anna. Anna Irving,” Anna said as she ushered Colette in.

Colette had to fight ever harder to control the tears now, realising that Lloyd had moved on. Fallen in love, married and had a happy family.

It was what Colette wished for him. She wasn’t selfish enough to wish that he’d never forget her. She’d wished for his happiness, for she would never stop loving him.

Despite everything, it hurt, piercing into the heart she had closed away. Easily tearing open wounds that she had thought patched over in the years of her absence, leaving gaping scars that wept sorrow. 

“My husband’s out in town right now, but I can introduce him to you later,” Anna said as she bustled around the house preparing refreshments.

“Mama?” Colette turned toward the source of the voice: a young girl with red hair tied into pigtails, sleepily rubbing at her blue eyes.

“Oh, Nessa, why are you awake?” Will said, picking up his baby sister.

“I heard… voices,” Nessa said, before she caught sight of Colette, hovering near the table.  
Nessa gasped. “Is that…”

Anna placed a cup of tea in front of Colette and relieved Will of Nessa. “Yes, my little angel, it is.”

Colette couldn’t take this anymore. Why? Why did all of them remember her fondly? Why were they all acting so kind to her?

Colette had thought herself as forgotten. She had wanted that to be her fate. She didn’t deserve to be remembered, and certainly not like this. She wasn’t a good person. She was someone who had abandoned those who had cared for her, leaving who knew how much damage behind her. 

“Why?” She asked, unable to stop herself. “Why do you…? Why are you…?” She couldn’t finish the question, too choked up by emotion and still struggling to stop the tears from spilling over.

Anna looked directly at her, and in those green eyes, Colette could see the same quiet understanding that Lloyd had always held. There was none of the hatred or anger there that Colette deserved, that should be directed at herself.

“Father told me about you, of course. He never stopped loving you, even after he married Mother. He never resented you.”

But why? She didn’t – She didn’t deserve to be loved –

“And. And is he…”

“I can bring you to him,” Will offered. “He’s at the flower field with Uncle Genis again.”

Colette didn’t know whether to stay or bolt.

She wanted to run away. Run far away, because she doesn’t deserve to be forgiven –

A tiny hand tugged on hers, and Colette turns to meet Nessa’s innocent blue eyes, without a worry in the world. “You should go see Grandpa. He’ll be happy to see you!”

And then Colette gave in, knowing that she wanted to see him again. Even just one more time.

* * *

Colette could still remember the path to the flower field that Will guided her along, remember the hours she’d spent there with Lloyd, the two of them making elaborate flower chains and crowns for each other.

It had been so long since she had been happy.

The trees cleared, and she saw… 

Two people, with their backs to her. One that’s still strong and straight, but far, far taller than Colette remembered, and another that was now bent from age, resting in a wheelchair.

Will called out, and Genis turned, eyes widening as he saw her, frozen on the other side of the field. Genis had changed so much. Grown taller, grown his hair out, become more mature. She’d missed so much. 

Then Genis turned the other person around. And Colette finally came face-to-face with what she had been avoiding for the longest time.

Colette would know Lloyd anywhere; no matter how old his face had become, no matter how white his hair had turned, no matter how sickly he looked now. 

It was still Lloyd: still Lloyd in the joy she saw in his eyes, the smile that broke over his face. Still Lloyd. Her Lloyd.

In the end, neither of them had changed.

Colette found herself moving, finally, breaking out from her state of shock. She was halfway across the field before she even realised she’d begun running, sinking to her knees next to the man she loved. The one who, Colette realized, didn’t have long to live anymore.

Colette was unable to stop the tears anymore, sobbing freely as she turned her head down, unwilling to meet Lloyd’s gaze.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have – “

“No, I’m sorry. I wanted to see you, just once more, before I leave this world. Even if it’s selfish of me.” His voice is weak and shaking from age, and it only made her sob harder. How could he _ever_ think it was his fault, instead of hers? 

“It’s not your fault, Lloyd. You could – you could never be selfish. I…” She raised her head to meet Lloyd’s gaze and found only gentleness, forgiveness and love.

She should never have left.

“It’s OK, Colette.” Lloyd laid his trembling hand over hers, trying to reassure her like he knew how she was feeling. Just like it used to be. “You’re here now, and that’s all that matters.”

He was still the same. All these years, and he was still the same.

“Welcome home, Colette.”

Colette smiled through the tears lining her face, as all of the illusions she had carried throughout the years shattered. They had always been nothing compared to the real thing. How had she ever believed otherwise? 

_“Hey, Colette,” Lloyd whispered, gently nudging her in the side._

_“Yes, Lloyd?” Colette asked, curious, as her fingers stopped weaving her latest flower crown._

_“Can we make a pinky promise? To always stay together?” Lloyd asked, staring at the ground, cheeks flushed as he shyly offered his hand._

_Colette hesitated, remembering the fate looming over her. But, surely, it wouldn’t hurt…_

_“I promise!” Colette said, holding up her pinky._

_Lloyd brightened, linking their pinkies together. “Then it’s a promise! We’ll always stay together, alright?”_

To have lived, and loved, and grieved. They were things that could never be replaced. 

And even though Colette had missed so much, she had time. Infinite time. No matter how little Lloyd had left, she would stay by his side. She would fulfil the first promise she had ever made Lloyd. 

“I’m home.”

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: this was bounced off Marsh (who is the first one to read everything I write), who then complained to me that I made her sad in class. <3, Marsh.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Umbry2000)  
> (Edit: The link was broken)


End file.
